Monday, February 29, 2016

Dream journal excerpt OR that in which I call @iisuperwomanii baeeee

2:57 am: Dreamt that @iisuperwomanii aka Lily Singh was interviewing me. She asked me, really interested-ly, “What is that you do?” and I answered it and made this joke-reference at the last (which I can’t seem to remember no matter how hard I try, and I am trying) and she laughed. I am so happy currently because she laughed. I made her laugh. I caused that laugh. I made her happy, even if only for a millisecond or so. (Because I have this theory that there’s an inner For-laughs monster, which gets tickled for seconds or a millionth of a second(perspective and sense of humor <and also a million other thingsies> play their corresponding roles here)and it is kind of like the stars already being dead when their light reaches the Earth. I mean, when you start showing signs of laughing physically, that joke has long been devoured (maybe this is why we stop laughing abruptly at times or why we forget the joke) by For-laughs. For-laughs monster is all your gloom and depression moster-ified. He ( or she, mine is a he) literally lives “for laughs” (Imagine a world where we are named after our passions. My name probably would be For do-not-know-exactly-what-yet. What would yours be? <you could comment.> (Oh me Gaud moment when I actually try to interact with my audience) )
@iisuperwomanii, you are baeeee, because you have won over depression in the quest of finding you (Yes, I outpour clich├ęd stuff, which always sounds so awesome in my thoughts but comes out as mush) I am currently in that angst phase of my life, where I do not know exactly what I want to do, but I have a few vague ideas. I constantly worry about it. A very tragic combination for my happiness. (and for For-laughs)

…The point here is, that I am goddamn happy because you interviewed me.(who cares that it was in a dream? Scoot over, stupid minor unimportant reality detail) I did not ruin that moment with my innate awkwardness/klutziness/whatever. Plus I made you laugh. (creepier rephrase: I helped you feed your For-laughs.)
P.S. You always inspire people to chase happiness because as you say, it is the only thing that matters. But what of the abyss that is on the path of chase? (plus I am such a klutz) What of the terror that clutches at your heart whenever you even try to look at that (metaphorical) path? What of the overall sense of doom that roots you in your spot(which is under the billboard named Depression) and you feel like you can’t move an inch, let alone go towards that/those path(s).

P.P.S. I can’t believe I ended up crying at the end of this writ. This was supposed to be Goddamn happy.