Thursday, July 30, 2015

The Crush Rush

Dear crush,
I wrote this letter to try to help me shorten the unhealthy amount of time I spend crushing on you. Sometimes, it is as if the sole purpose of my creation is to crush on you. When in reality it is anything but that. You are just one among the innumerable hurricanes that come into my life, uproot everything and go past. This time, I am NOT going to let that happen. No, not on my watch. 

Maybe I can’t help not talking to you, Can’t help going through your messages for the umpteenth time. Can’t help looking at your pictures and grinning like an idiot at my phone screen. Can’t help as my decision to not talk to you crumbles to dust the next time I see you online. Can’t help but disintegrate into quarks every time you glance my way. Can’t help feeling as though I’m star dazed when I’m in your presence. Because for me, you are a star, something light years far away which I will never even get to touch with my own limbs. Me and you, we are multiverses apart, with galaxies unfurling in between us at the very moment. Galaxies that have long hair, tall hind limbs, hourglass figures, drop dead gorgeous faces, whom you are likely to find ‘cool’. As for me, I never really got the hang of ‘cool’. 

See, how hopeless it is? Why is it then that I act so hopeful when you are around? No. Not act, I actually feel hopeful when deep down I know it is just a projection of hope. See, how you warp my feelings so?

The logical part of me thinks “I hope you die bitch.” every time it comes across one of the evidences that you are alive. But that kind of gets drowned in the gushing roar that follows, “OMG! look at that photo!” “OMG! look at that!” Life is full of rainbows again. Pink clouds. Unicorns darting around. You know,that stuff. And once the crush rush is over, it is the logical part of me who has to delicately try to fix the pieces that have become of me. Sometimes, there’s incessant downpour. At times, there’s just an echo of “why oh why”. Sometimes there’s this sigh that repeats “Oh not again, man. Not again.”

When it is all over, you leave me feeling so hopeless. So worthless. So helpless. So useless. So unprecious. So unespecial. So invisible. So unbeautiful. So matterless.

Someone who gets crushed by crushes instead of the other way round. 

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